Monday, January 11, 2010

Dear ... Someone ... It's Me, Tara!

So, who do you pray to when you aren't sure that you believe in God? Lately I've found myself with the need to ask someone out there for help.

First it was the bumpy flight back home. (Have I mentioned I really do not enjoy flying anymore? Could it be all those falling-from-the-sky dreams? Hmmmm, could be.) Then it was a general anxiety about life and Mr. J's unemployment and stress about money.

Now it's more important (and more realistic) than any of that. A week ago my wonderful mom shook her head, got an instant headache, heard a weird whooshing in her ears, and now, suddenly, has 50% hearing loss in both ears. Just like that. So we are waiting (anxiously) for the MRI results. (Why does it take so long? Why isn't it like on House where they just look at the screen and, boom, there's the answer? OK, so maybe it's more like, they look at the screen, come up with an answer, that answer is wrong, come up with another answer, that answer seems to be right, everything is hunkey-dorey, the patient is healthy, and then boom, a new symptom appears, the person almost dies, and then, at the last minute, House saves the person. And there you have a synopsis of every episode of House ever, and yet I continue to watch it each week.)

I, of course, am a wannabe hypochondriac and the ultimate drama queen. So my first instinct is, Oh my god, it's a tumor. Or an aneurysm. Either way, bad news, and get it taken care of NOW. I mean what else would explain that sudden loss, just like that? I have resisted the urge to Google the symptoms to diagnose it myself, something I am usually too eager to do. I'm just biding my time, hoping and praying ... to ... I don't know who/what/where that she is healthy and out of pain and able to hear again soon.

Note that when I do try to pray or beg or whatever it is that I'm doing, I am super careful to be ultra-specific in what I want. First I asked that she be out of pain. But then I realized that, yes, death would lead to a lack of pain. So, no, that's not what I was asking for. So, now I've added on, out of pain, alive, healthy, and hopefully with her hearing (such as it was) regained. But I worry ... am I leaving something out? Did I word it wrong? I don't know why I stress about these things. If I don't necessarily believe in an all-knowing God, then why I am so worried about what I'm asking him/her/it for? Well, I am superstitious that way. So maybe that's it.

Saying all that, I do believe in the power of positive thinking/prayer/healing vibes. I'm just having a hard time making all my thoughts/prayers/whatever positive. My brain tends to immediately start worrying and thinking the worst. And then I worry that I'm projecting that negativity out there into the world, instead of the happy, healing thoughts that I want to send to my mom.

So, here is my prayer for my mom: Please help the docs figure out what is wrong with her ears. Please help keep her sane during her time in silence (even the radio is too much for her right now, and she loves music). Please let this be something that once they figure it out, they can make it better. Please make the pain go away while also keeping her alive and healthy. Please don't let her lose her hearing (though I'm willing to bargain on that one if she comes out of this healthy, with no tumors or blood clots or anything like that). In other words, please help. Amen.

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