How Time Flies

Wow! Has it really been more than two years since I've posted?

So much time, and yet things seem so much the same. Funny, that.

Once again, I got together with my friend M, who is an ardent supporter of my writing, even though she hasn't read a word I've ever written. And yet I find her support so meaningful. Why is it more meaningful than the support I get from my lovely Mr. J, who has read almost every word I've ever written? (Or at least every word I've "published" online.)

Why is it so much easier for me to believe the vague praise of someone who knows so little about me, rather than accepting the wonderful praise and support I receive from someone who knows me almost better than I know myself? I won't go into my "what is wrong with me?" syndrome. But seriously. Why do I have so much trouble believing when someone I know and love supports me?

I have specific memories of my parents telling me they thought I was beautiful, funny, good, whatever. And even at the ripe old age of 7, I "knew" that they had to say that. They were my parents; I was their daughter. I mean, what could they do? Tell me I was ugly, dull, bad, etc.? I knew that parents weren't allowed to say that. So they had to be nice.

Sheesh!! How did I get so cynical at so young an age? And now, not even having kids of my own, I know, without a doubt, that they fully believed everything they were telling me. Why did I doubt them? Where did that self-doubt and self-incrimination come from? How did I know, at that young age, that when the folks on The Electric Company said there is no such thing as a stupid question, I knew they were wrong?

After all these years (40 years?!?!), I am finally coming around to the fact that my parents didn't lie to me. Whether I was truly beautiful, funny, good, whatever, or not, doesn't matter. They truly believed that, and likely still do. And my husband feels the same way. Own it, believe it, live it. That is what I am working on in this life. And I have come so far. I almost fully believe it all now. But there is still that little voice .... who are you to believe it all??

I am me. I am beautiful. I am funny. I am good. I am strong.

And I am.

And that is enough.