Ring in the New

Hello there, Blogland. I have been lurking and reading and spying on all of you, but I have not had the gumption to write anything (obviously). It's the usual excuse, so I won't bore you. But it's a drippy rainy day, and I don't have any work to do for the first time in weeks and weeks. So I got up, made breakfast, took The Dog for a walk, and am enjoying a leisurely morning. Next up ... yoga at the Y (I think they'll still let me in, even though they haven't seen me in ages).

No one was out this morning on the trails, the sun was reflecting off the clouds on the far horizon, and everything in the woods smelled wet and kind of musty and very earthy. It was heavenly. There was even a hint of mint, bay leaves, and perhaps pipe tobacco wafting through the air. (Listen to me ... I sound like some kind outdoors sommelier or something.) It's just been so long since there has been anything but dust in my nose, that I wanted to savor every smell. Even The Dog was sniffing everything way more than normal. It was a good morning. Aaaah!

I'm not one for resolutions, but this time of year I always make plans. I don't think it has so much to do with the end of one year and the start of another. I think it has more to do with the fact that it has been two months of craziness ... too much time at my computer, way too much food, no time to just sit and chill and reflect. But once HalloThanksChrisBoxUkah season finally ends, I feel like I finally have some time to breathe and think about how I want things to be a little different. Like taking The Dog for these morning walks. It takes all of an hour, he and I both feel better, and it's good for us. Which all beg the question, why the heck don't I do that every day of the year?

So these are my non-resolution resolutions:

• Get up and get out...whether it's first thing in the morning, a midafternoon break, or an after-dinner amble through the neighborhood

• Just do it...that little original motto of ours worked GREAT back in September, but we have drifted back into our old ways. The dishes wait until the next day, the laundry piles up, the QuickBooks lies untouched for months (eek). Time to get our Nike butts back in gear.

• Just breathe...The past few weeks, I've been working and cooking and working and hosting back-to-back-to-back gatherings and working and stressing about everything, and I find myself not inhaling or exhaling and just holding it all in my throat. I can feel it in my shoulders, head, neck, back. Ridiculous! So I just need to remember to breathe.

• Get some perspective ... I've been having little breakdowns over stupid little things lately and taking most of my stress out on poor Mr. J, who is constantly reminding me that these are not problems and certainly nothing to argue, stress out, or obsess over. So, back to the P word. Perspective, perspective, perspective.

• Maybe, just maybe ... write more ... Maybe if I were here or in my journal or anywhere getting these stupid little stresses out of my head, I would be able to just breathe, just do it, just keep sane. So perhaps you'll be seeing more of me.

But no promises!

Here's to the New Year. May the Mayans be wrong!

Just Stuff

So, as I mentioned, Mr. J is off being Mr. Adventure Traveler, working in Morocco on a hush-hush TV something or other. I know more than that (though not much), but I am not allowed to say. Anyway, he is there, and I am here. And all I can say is, Thank God for Skype.

Warning, this post is most likely going to be all over the place (though when aren't my posts all over the place?).

My dad served three tours of duty in Vietnam. They were newlyweds, and for two of those tours, my mom was pregnant. Dad wasn't able to make it home for my birth, and he didn't really know about the actual birth date for several days. I don't think I "met" him until I was 8 months old. He made it back the day before my sister was born (and good for him, as I believe at that point my 23-year-old mom was ready to throw in the towel on the whole Air Force wife deal). Anyway, I bring it up, because I don't know how they survived. I know they had no choice, but I am a wreck if I go four days without hearing from Mr. J. OK, not a total wreck. But I am definitely gloomy. They had to rely on mail and reel-to-reel audio recordings and phone calls in which you had to end each part of your conversation with "over" so the person connecting them would know when to switch cords or whatever it was they had to do. Add to that all the stress of worrying about each other in their respective situations (him fighting wars, her dealing with pregnancy). I really am a wimp compared to them!

My friend was asking me today how I'm doing, and I have been fine. I mean, yeah, it's lonely and quiet in the house, and every now and then I get incredibly sad. But for the most part, I know Mr. J is doing what he likes to do. He's making something of an income (though not nearly what he deserves). And it's not like he is in a life-threatening situation where I have to stress about his every move every day, as I'm sure countless girlfriends/boyfriends/wives/husbands are dealing with all over this country ... or all over the world, for that matter. She also wondered if I was mad at him, saying that most women would be livid that their husbands were going off for what I guess a lot of people consider a second childhood. But I'm not mad. Well, I'm mad when I have to deal with something that is in his domain, such as filling in muddy pits dug by The Dog or trying to jerry-rig a fence to keep The Dog from his favorite area of digging. But that's more frustration at not being able to do what he does so well and without a second thought.

It almost made me question how much I care for him. I mean, maybe I should be sadder or madder or more emotional.

Or maybe I'm just numb?

Or maybe I'm just so used to being in a family where Dad would go off for a week, two weeks, months for different exercises or assignments.

I don't know. I guess the important thing is that all in all I'm OK with everything (either that or I am incredibly good at repressing my emotions). And there is no doubt about how much I care for him and love him and miss him, even if maybe I should be more upset by it all.

Then again, maybe I'm being all magnanimous because I just made plane reservations to join him at the end of April?

Hmmmm, could be.

November

Wow, I am off to a great start on blogging everyday this month. Already missed Day 1. Oh, well. No prizes for me.

Life has been good in general, but a little rough around the edges. In addition to the usual financial woes, it's that lovely time of the month. I swear that Mr. J is affected by hormones each month the same as, if not more so than, I am. It's just joyous. Especially as it usually leads to the same argument we have every month. Like clockwork.

I won't bore you with the details, but it essentially boils down to my incredible lack of self-esteem. In many ways I am so much more evolved than my old 7-year-old self, thank goodness. But when it comes to my body image, I am still a shy little girl sitting by herself on the playground. When I think back to my kindergarten and first-grade self, it's just a very sad picture. And it's amazing how much those two years affected my entire life since.

But, as Mr. J so kindly points out, I am rapidly approaching 41 (ack!). I am not 7. I am no longer all by myself on the playground. I have great friends. I have a husband who adores me (except for when I'm wallowing in ancient self-pity).

So why can't I banish this shy little girl persona? Why do I feel the urge to say "no, no, no" when people tell me I am a good or pretty person. Where on earth does this come from? How did I even realize at the age of 6 or 7 that when my mom told me I was a beautiful little girl, I would think to myself, "She has to say that. She's my mom." Where does that come from?

These are the mysteries of life that I battle with each month. So this month's goal for the daily posting is to return to my search for the good in life ... not just the world outside but also my little world inside. Maybe one month of daily affirmations will slowly beat down this wall of negativity about myself.

Because, as the Junior Senator from Minnesota says, "I am good enough, I am smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."

p.s. Be sure to go out and vote today!

More Life and Stuff

I need to be true to my Blogger name. Last night, lying in bed, I had a great blog post all composed in my head ... right around midnight. But I was in bed, and my computer was down here, and now all is lost. So instead, I'll just ramble.

My little experiment in attitude adjustment got off to a rough start. After declaring all my good intentions online, I promptly returned to the real world and became a right pain in the arse. I am totally blaming it on sinus infections and PMS. Not a pretty combination. But when Mr. J confronted me and told me in no uncertain terms that I was being a horrible, nasty sourpuss, I finally came to my senses (antibiotics and loads of Advil helped, too), and I have been on the right track ever since.

In my defense, two other factors came into play as well.

Factor #1: I was getting completely stressed about the fact that I wasn't getting any work, not even from the guy who usually keeps me pretty regularly set with jobs. But it turned out I am a lamebrain (surprise, surprise) and simply forgot to update my calendar indicating how many hours I had available. Hmm, it seems that when you tell someone that you have no hours available, they won't send you any work. Go figure. So now I am inundated with thrilling topics like "Food for All People in Yemen" and "Choices of Coping Strategies." I'll take what I can get, believe me!

Factor #2 is the successful (so far) employment of Mr. J as a polysomnograph tech. A friend of ours is a sleep doctor (probably the cushiest doctor job ever) and offered Mr. J the job. It's not his dream job, but these days beggars can't be choosers. All I know, is that extra cash is going to help me sleep better at night!

So life is good and looking better all the time.

And now for today's look-on-the-bright-side event:

Came home from breakfast with friends to find that the overly loving, totally obnoxious dog we are watching jumped on my work table, knocked over a bottle of water (which I should have closed securely, or better yet, put back in the fridge), and spilled water all over (please, God, let the scanner and external hard drive be OK). After a lot of cursing and swearing, I wiped it all up, put away all the extra junk that had been accumulating on my little table, and even filed the stack of bills and receipts that I have been collecting for the past 3+ months. So, as long as nothing was permanently damaged, I am thrilled to finally have my workspace looking all adult and tidy and organized. So thanks, Ms. Roxie, for being so incredibly annoying!

I hope your day is equally bright-sidey!

And Another Thing

Wow ... two in one day. You know I must be procrastinating!

Just a quickie to say that a friend of mine from high school -- actually, we were really more acquaintances in high school ... she was WAY cooler than I ever was -- ANYWAY, we are now Facebook friends, even though we haven't seen each other in more than 20 years. Again ... anyway, this friend of mine has started a blog, and her latest post seems to be written just for me. So stay tuned, for soon I will be making my list of things to be grateful for. I know I have done it before, but I need to get out of this habit of complaining, even when things are really good (or even only partially good). Got to look at that silver lining!

Speaking of silver lining ... I am somewhat steadily employed and better get back to it before that status changes due to one too many missed deadlines.

Perspective-o-meter

That's what I need. A big dial (or maybe even better a large plastic hammer that bonks me on the head) to keep me in check when I get too maudlin and dramatic and teary eyed over my own woes. Yes, we are struggling with money. Yes, Mr. J is having a ridiculously hard time figuring out what he wants to be and do and then finding someone who will pay him to do just that. Yes, we are living beyond our means. Yes, I really do need to work out so I can fit into my clothes, since I can't afford to buy new ones (though I did go out and buy that blue coat ... turns out it was only $20!! bargain!).

But ... where's that fancy perspective-o-meter to remind me that all in all we are healthy, are happily in love (most of the time), have a house over our heads, have parents who are supportive in every possible way, aren't being gang-raped by a vapid group of sick teenagers, aren't living in Pakistan or Iraq or Afghanistan or any other bomb-prone, wartorn country, love where we live, have wonderfully supportive friends, aren't living in a tent city under an interstate, have a heater that works (thanks to handy Mr. J), and the list goes on.

If I can just remember all this, then maybe I won't fly off the handle and yell at the person I love most in this world when what he really needs is support and encouragement. Maybe I won't become thoroughly forlorn over the fact that we can afford a new blade for the saw to build shelves, but I can't afford to lavish my beautiful 7-year-old niece with gifts on her birthday. These things make me sad, but they are not the end of the world. Life will go on for us.

And by the way, do you think it is pronounced perspectiveOMeter? or perspective-oh-MEter?