How Time Flies

Wow! Has it really been more than two years since I've posted?

So much time, and yet things seem so much the same. Funny, that.

Once again, I got together with my friend M, who is an ardent supporter of my writing, even though she hasn't read a word I've ever written. And yet I find her support so meaningful. Why is it more meaningful than the support I get from my lovely Mr. J, who has read almost every word I've ever written? (Or at least every word I've "published" online.)

Why is it so much easier for me to believe the vague praise of someone who knows so little about me, rather than accepting the wonderful praise and support I receive from someone who knows me almost better than I know myself? I won't go into my "what is wrong with me?" syndrome. But seriously. Why do I have so much trouble believing when someone I know and love supports me?

I have specific memories of my parents telling me they thought I was beautiful, funny, good, whatever. And even at the ripe old age of 7, I "knew" that they had to say that. They were my parents; I was their daughter. I mean, what could they do? Tell me I was ugly, dull, bad, etc.? I knew that parents weren't allowed to say that. So they had to be nice.

Sheesh!! How did I get so cynical at so young an age? And now, not even having kids of my own, I know, without a doubt, that they fully believed everything they were telling me. Why did I doubt them? Where did that self-doubt and self-incrimination come from? How did I know, at that young age, that when the folks on The Electric Company said there is no such thing as a stupid question, I knew they were wrong?

After all these years (40 years?!?!), I am finally coming around to the fact that my parents didn't lie to me. Whether I was truly beautiful, funny, good, whatever, or not, doesn't matter. They truly believed that, and likely still do. And my husband feels the same way. Own it, believe it, live it. That is what I am working on in this life. And I have come so far. I almost fully believe it all now. But there is still that little voice .... who are you to believe it all??

I am me. I am beautiful. I am funny. I am good. I am strong.

And I am.

And that is enough.

Traveling with My Aunt

I've been writing about this trip on my other, more public, family blog, in my own handwritten journal, in emails, on Facebook and Instagram, and even on Twitter, I think. So what the heck? Let's start another record of it all.

The GMT Tour of Europe has been more than I expected. I was excited about the trip but very hesitant. My aunt and I get along great, but we've never spent more than a night or so together, at least not in our adult lives. But it turns out that our personal modes of travel mesh pretty well, and we've seen and tasted and smelled and heard more than I might have otherwise. Now that we are on our last day, it's hard to believe or even remember everything we've experienced. Lucky for us, she is keeping an extremely detailed and entertaining documentation of everything we've done from Day 1. I haven't read any of the missives home yet; I've just heard extracts as she types them up. But I know I will someday, as it will be a great way to reminisce about all we did.

But as I knew from the beginning, this is not my trip. We are not here to explore little nooks and crannies or to buy fruit juice from a street vendor or to hike up mountains or to sit on secluded beaches or to roam through book stores or to sit in a bar listening to the local music or to try some new exotic food from a hole-in-the-wall cafe on a deserted street, as I am often known to do. Instead, I am a tag-along traveling companion. [Caveat: I am not complaining. How could I, when I barely shelled out a dime for any of this in relation to all that she has paid? But I certainly have a better understanding of what it was that ladies-in-waiting did back in the days of royalty. (Perhaps there still are ladies-in-waiting. If so, my heart goes out to them.)] I have been on my best behavior for the majority of this trip. And I've probably dressed better and been better put together than on any of my other journeys, which is probably not a bad thing at all. It definitely made for better photos. But I am the keeper of maps, the finder of information, the navigator, the wine carrier/pourer (sommelier?!), the research assistant, the bus/tram/ferry/train/subway finder, the captive and appreciative audience, the travel adviser, the not-so-great translator of menus/signs/conversations. Again, I am not complaining, as I essentially have been paid to do that ... sort of like a chaste kept woman?!?

Actually, come to think of it, I am the Mark of this trip. I can even point out our hotel when looking back on the city from a hilltop and find my way home from any outing, no matter how twisty the roads. Hmmm, don't tell my husband, as now he'll expect me to be like this on all of our upcoming trips!

Writing and all that

Huh ... apparently, if you hit the wrong combination of keys, blogger will just post a blog post before you've written any more than the title. Things you learn when going on autopilot with the typing and the key strokes and all that. Of course, I have no idea what I did, so right now, there's just a blank post floating on my page.

And of course, it doesn't really matter, because in a matter of moments, I will finish vomiting out these words, hit the update button, and call it a night.

This writing thing is work. I'm not even out there as a writer, and it's keeping me up in bed wondering what the heck I am doing. So I crawled out of be and came down here to get it out of my head in the hopes that now I can get some sleep so that tomorrow I'll have enough brain cells to do my other job.

There's nothing new to report from here. The Blue Dog trainer showed up today, and I think maybe she should just take our dog away. Within the first seconds, our little devil knew all the commands and did just as she was supposed to. Of course, once Saint Trainer Lady left, it wasn't all so peachy keen easy ... though there were baby steps of progress. How can a total stranger have such a soothing effect on our dog? Are we really that anxious, neurotic, weird that our dog picks up on all that and freaks out when we make any sudden movements?

I guess we are.

I have no witty conclusion to this post. No final words of wisdom. My brain is shutting down. So I'm thinking the word vomit worked. G'nite and sleep well.

(I would just save this without posting it, but I don't even know how to do that. And for whatever reason, I feel compelled to post this rather than just hitting cancel. Oh, vanity.)

What a Difference a Week Makes

I didn't even make it a week on this year's Bon Appetit cleanse. My main excuse is that the recipes just weren't inspiring me. Some were quite tasty, but several were just plain blah. Or maybe the funk from last week dragged me down (more likely). Of course, it didn't help that last week some girlfriends and I had a cooking night. I made the ramen soup (which, all in all, wasn't that bad in terms of health--well, the carmelized pork probably isn't what health food nuts would agree to, but it's protein, right!?). It was actually the 40+ potstickers and the two bottles of wine we devoured that put me over the edge. But it was all so dang tasty. Then Saturday morning, Mr. J and I made the trek to Emmett, Idaho, to try out a diner spot that had some dang-tasty homestyle potatoes and delicious homemade sourdough bread. OK, we didn't drive all that way just for breakfast. (1) We were hoping to escape the dismal inversion that has settled over southwest Idaho. Unfortunately, Emmett suffers from the same blah grayness that exists everywhere else around here. (2) After breakfast, we headed to the Canyon County Humane Shelter to meet this little girl:

Hello, Bella Blue. We finally caved, after a year-plus of dog-free living. She's a sweetie but needs a little work on the dominance side (she thinks she is in charge). I love having her, but she makes me miss Kai even more. He had his issues, but he is still number one in my heart (after Mr. J, of course ... at least most of the time).

Anyway, I've been a little stressed out about her issues and how we are going to deal with them. Plus I'm not sure taking on this new job has been the smartest thing, so that's on my brain all the time. Add that to my usual level of nervousness and you have the perfect storm for my stupid skin issues to come roaring back with a vengeance. Dumb inverse psoriasis!! And my toe is still sore ... I went from neuroma and gout ideas to a downright fear that it might be psoriatic arthritis (do NOT look that one up). Now I've concluded that I probably just have a minor ingrown toenail that got beat up on New Year's Eve, when I walked two miles in heels. So heat and soaking in epsom salts and massage seem to be working. Just not fast enough. Anyway, my God, how old am I?! I've just spent an entire paragraph on all my aches and pains!? Soon I'll be discussing my bowel movements!

Before I go there, I'll state here that I am officially doing a real cleanse/elimination diet. I know, I know. I couldn't even stick to a fake cleanse for more than a week. How am I going to survive 21 days of no eggs, corn, gluten, dairy, sugar, soy, or nuts--or alcohol? Good question! But I am going to try in the hopes that I can determine what is causing my stupid aches and pains. I will also start working out again, even if I can't put full pressure on my big toe. As my good friend reminded me, it's not like I can't do sit ups and push ups or even swimming. I just used my toe and my grumpy mood to throw in the towel on everything.

But this is a new week, so here I am, flitting on to the next thing that will cure me of all of what ails me! I know that no one reads this (thank goodness for that), but I am hoping that having it out in public (sort of) will keep me somewhat accountable. Here's hoping!

Monday, Moanday

I am in a f-u-n-k today. We hiked yesterday (nearly 5 miles on icy-slick trails), and now I am paying the price. There is something wrong with my big toe ... after lengthy Internet research, I've narrowed this mystery pain down to anything from turf toe (yes, there really is such a thing, and it bring to mind a gangrenous Astroturf-green toe) to a neuroma to gout. Ah, the miracles of Web-enabled self-diagnosis. But none of those diagnoses have made the pain go away, and thanks to that pain, I walked all of those nearly 5 miles with a funky gait, which means that today, my entire left leg hurts, from my stupid big toe, around my ankle, up the outside of my calf, through my aching knee, and into my hip/lower back. That old song sure is true, the toe bone is connected to every other freakin' bone in my body. Of course, that pain didn't stop me from hiking yesterday. And neither did it keep me from braving this dismal gray frozen-rain weather to head to the gym for "athletic conditioning." If I'd known what a helluva class that was going to be, I might have just stayed in bed. And that would have been a brilliant option, because stupid big toe still hurts, which means I did many of the exercises while favoring one leg. Guess what hurts even more today than yesterday ... my entire left leg!

But there is a faint silver lining to the endless gray sky overhead. My neighbor is a physical therapist, and she has generously agreed to check it all out and see what I can do to make it better. This does not bode well for my planned "five days straight of exercise." I guess I'll just put that New Year's resolution off until next week.

In other news, I'm sticking to the BA meal plan fairly closely. Unfortunately the beverage plan is a little off-kilter. We're just too dang social, and I seem to find it impossible to sit around the dinner table with friends with anything but a bottle of wine (or three) in front of my face. And the morning lattes seem to be a necessity on these bleak days (did I mention it is absolutely glum outside? hello, Inversion).

So my moaning is over. Here's to better and brighter days ahead.

Smells Like Christmas

I have spent the better part of the past 3 hours cooking, cleaning, making shopping lists, and all around trying to get organized for the weekend. This is what the folks at Bon Appetit do to me. This little "cleanse" requires a ridiculous amount of thinking and planning, even though they pretty much spell it all out for you. I don't want to do one big shop for the week, because I know that as much as I say I am going to stick to this plan, shit comes up. So I'm plotting out three days at a time, which means going through each recipe and making a list of what I'll need through Sunday. So much for BA's handy-dandy shopping list.

But the house smells delish ... roasted beets with rosemary and thyme and some kind of squash raisin compote that is filling the house with the mouth-watering aromas of cinnamon and cloves. Smells like Christmas, but without the cookies!

A case in point of not all things going to plan: Tonight, after we enjoy our healthy snapper and chard, we will be trekking up the hill for a hilarious night of Cards Against Humanity. Is it wrong that I love that game so much!? I am bringing along the BA dessert for tonight ... how can you go wrong with Spicy Orange Hazelnut Chocolate Bark (oh, how I love BA's idea of a cleanse!! so so so much better than cabbage smoothies and plain broth)? The trouble with tonight is that I know I will indulge in my week's "allotment" of four alcoholic beverages in one night.

Oh well, it's the intention of it all, right? It's not like it's a doctor-prescribed program.

Other than that, all is well in the world ... mostly. I need to sort out stuff in my head and ratchet up my libido after the lethargy of the holidays. Gotta keep Mr. J and me happy! Of course, my idea of one way to keep me happy is to get me one of these:

Who looks an awful lot like this old guy, who I miss so much:

The first little guy, who I call Chester Part 2 (after the gorgeous fellow in the second picture), followed Mr. J into the house the other day. He explored all around, ate some canned crab, and then asked to be let out again. So polite. Today as I went out to check the mail, he followed me right inside. After another lunch of crab, he curled up on my lap and promptly fell asleep, purring away. I am in love! But he obviously belongs to someone in the 'hood, so when he loitered around the front door again, I let him out, and off he ran.

I'm thinking Chester Part 2 is one smart kitty who knows a good thing when he finds it. I wonder how many other homes he hits up during his daily wanderings!

Hello, (almost) 2015!

Apparently, I'm not very good
at these fun props. It looks like
my face is melting out of its
mustache and antlers.

Here I am again. With one post since January, I think my blog writing is on an incredible roll, don't you? Yeah, well ... anyway ...

It's that time of year again. The Bon Appetit cleanse. I wasn't going to do it this year, but The Man and I enjoyed it last year, and Lordie knows we need just a little motivation after another gluttonous holiday season. So I'm back here to keep track of it all, though I may not link to the recipes this time. Just head on over to the link above and read all about it.

It looks like this year the folks at BA are even more organized than last, what with a fancy-schmancy Google calendar that lists each meal with links to the menus and even more prepare-in-advance foods. All of which is great, because I'm not semi-unemployed as I was last year at this time. Hooray for me!

In addition to eating well, I'm back on the exercise track ... well, I worked out today, so that's one day in a row. Again, hooray for me! I was going to go to the Y, but one thing led to another, and what was supposed to be a virtuous day of working and working out turned into a mini shopping spree at Sierra Trading Post, along with a tour of "The Village" (the name of which puts me in mind of the M. Night Shamalamadingdong movie of the same name). It's one of those made-to-look-like Venice type outdoor malls smack dab in the middle of the suburbs. Totally fits in with southwest Idaho decor?!? Yeah, right. More like it's just kind of weird and almost creepy. But big fat snowflakes were falling, outdoor firepits were blazing, kids were ice skating, and lots of folks were milling around. So it made for a kinda pretty scene, if you ignored the faux-patina domelike rooftops and pseudo-Venetian architecture. A couple of local food trucks have opened up there in and actual glass-and-mortar building, so we got what I think was local good food for not too much money. I was even able to stick to my meatless Monday plan for the day (though I did try a bite of The Man's yummy kimchi chicken tacos). Then it was off to wander through Sur La Table (swoon) and Z Gallerie (double swoon). We totally refrained from shopping because (1) we didn't really need anything and (2) we are cheap. But it was fun to browse. Plus we got a free coffee sample. Yay, us! And, when we finally made it home (with a detour to Cost Plus), I squeezed in a 30-minute Daily Burn interval training workout. Sweaty!

Hmmm, I didn't mean for this to turn into a what-I-did-instead-of-working-today blog post, but there you have it. I haven't pursued the whole writing to find my inner demons/feelings/spirit/what-have-you. But maybe that will happen this month too. It is January after all. Time for a month of sticking to resolutions before February hits!

Writing and stuff

The other night, I went to a friend's 46th birthday party, where I ran into some other friends I hadn't seen in months. There was wine and brisket and cider and sausage and mojitos ... and did I mention there was alcohol and fantabulous food? Well there was also laughter and wonderful camaraderie and the joy of being with a group of friends who take you for what you are and vice versa.

Anyway, ages (eons) ago, I thought of myself as this aloof, mysterious, hard-to-know kind of person. It was a persona that I always loved in the movies and books that I read, and in my brain, I thought that I was that way too. But as I evolved out of sulky teens and confused early 20s, I realized that this is about as far from the truth as you can possibly get. When given the chance, I will literally vomit my fears and issues and concerns and foibles on others. I don't do this to get attention, though I may do this to get the occasional laugh. Mainly I do this because, over my long and illustrious 40-plus years of life, I've learned that so many of us have the same fears and dramas and self-inflicted anxieties. So my hope is that by putting it out there, perhaps I'll get an, "I know just what you mean .... this is how I deal with that." Perhaps it's because I'm too cheap for therapy. Or maybe I'm overly empathetic. Or maybe I am looking for some sort of validation. I do try to keep my personal-issue-vomiting sessions to a minimum, but sometimes, when the wine is flowing, the conversation is congenial, the friends are so supportive, and maybe the moon is just waning from being full, I go off on a little riff. What was nice about Saturday, even as I look back at it from a somewhat more sober frame of mind, is that my friends were truly supportive (and I honestly did not monopolize the conversation ... I really did want to hear what they had to say). And what they had to say resonated with what I wanted to hear.

My anxieties and fears are not substantial. They are not life threatening. They don't stop me from living life and enjoying life. But they are there and they are real and I want to work through them, or with them, or past them. I want to recognize them and then move on. But I am not always sure how to do this. I've always been of the frame of mind that I don't know if a therapist is what I need. I feel like maybe there should be a sliding scale for therapists. Not based on my income; rather based on degrees of whatever it is that is bothering us. I honestly don't think that my concerns warrant the same fee of someone who truly is battling demons and devils. But maybe I'm just belittling myself or not taking myself seriously (who me? do that? never!). Or maybe I'm just scared (most likely).

But these friends of mine on Saturday night listened and commiserated and shared similar concerns and feelings and then proceeded to tell me of ways that they approached their lives. And it's what I've heard before, but I think maybe I am in the right place, the right frame of mind, even the right financial situation to seriously think about it for myself. So tonight I wrote to a man and asked for information about his writer's group. Tomorrow I will call Lula the healer. And I honestly will take the time for myself for some meditation and exercise ... things I love but that I say I have no time for (even though I have time to plow through cheesy romance novels for four hours at a time at night or to play stupid addicting Montezuma Revenge on my phone for 10-minute stretches).

I said to the writer's group guy that I wasn't sure what my intention was for writing, and I don't. I think I feel that writers need a lofty goal or to spout philosophical gems or at least make people laugh. But maybe for me I just need to open up, be honest with myself, write what I am thinking to get it out of my head, and then just breathe and enjoy. In all honesty, I think my intention is to become the person I want to be ... a fun-filled, peace-filled, content-with-myself human being.

Whoops!

So much for getting back on track. When I went to make the pearled barley to accompany the chicken, there were not-so-little black things floating around in the water. Eeew, bugs! So we threw that out. Then I realized I had all of 35 minutes to put together a meal that would take an hour to prep. So once again, the chicken that had been thawing for a couple days now went back in the fridge. We threw together a tuna salad and that was that.

Then I went to book club and proceeded to eat minestrone soup and bread and wine, topped off with a peanut butter bar.

OK, so it was just another little bump off the wagon, but Tuesday was another day, right? I started off with yogurt, apples, nuts, and pomegranates. Perfectly virtuous. I even got an almond milk latte when meeting friends for coffee. (Found out they are pregnant! Hooray for our friends!!) I knew I didn't have anything for lunch, so while buying fresh pearl barley, I grabbed some sushi and tomato soup. The soup is still waiting to be eaten, but the sushi was so good for store-bought sushi.

And then, as things usually go around here, we got another invite to a friend's for dinner. And boy did I fall off the wagon, hard! But before heading over, I finally made Sunday's chicken and barley dinner so that we would have leftovers for today's lunch, dammit! As for dinner, well, it wasn't quite cleanse worthy at all. Started off with crackers and brie and fruity margaritas! Oh, so yummy. Hadn't had one of those in ages! Then it was on to Jack Daniels brand pulled pork, cauliflower covered in cheddar cheese, sauteed zukes, and more bread. Paired it with some red wine and then topped it all off with CostCo cheesecake.

Ouch, I didn't just fall of the wagon, I took the whole thing with me right over the cliff. There will be no stepping on the scale for me today!

But I'm back on track this morning, with a repeat of yesterday's breakfast. And I've already made the chicken salad lunch. And the more I procrastinate on finishing off this cleanse, the longer it lasts! The chicken dinner cooked a little too long, since I left it simmering on the stove the entire time we were gorging ourselves. So today I'm going to turn it into a soup, which is never a bad thing!!

Where Did the Weekend Go?

I could have sworn I wrote some time this weekend, but apparently not. I must have dreamed it.

Saturday, we had a tasty lunch of potato-apple salad. I am pretty sure I just threw on some of the pepita crunch, or maybe some roasted almonds, and as usual, I used a mixed greens instead of the frisee.

Saturday night was girl's night with my fellow cleanser. This meant I was solely responsible for the dessert, while Linda cooked up the pork tenderloin with mushrooms and quinoa. Our friend also joined in the fun by providing an appetizer of more fruit, as well as the cleanse-friendly cocktails. What a pleasant night! And with those tasty cocktails, we didn't even miss the wine.

Sunday I fell off the wagon, but I don't feel too bad about it at all. The Mr. and I decided to walk to Addie's for breakfast. But I planned ahead and brought with me a container of coconut milk with a little agave mixed in so I could add that to my diner coffee. And for the first time in my life, I ordered oatmeal with a banana at a restaurant. It didn't seem right at all to spend $6 on something that I could make at home for a third of that price, but such is life on the cleanse!

We then proceeded to walk another 5 miles for our daily exercise. It was a gorgeous day, and it was great to be burning off those calories. Once home, we did a little mobility training courtesy of Cody at The Daily Burn, had our leftover salad courtesy of Linda, and then went to work on the demo house (hooray for more exercise ... and a load of drywall dust). While working on the house, we got an invite to a friends for dinner. How could we say no to lamb-goat stew with lentil soup and garbanzo beans? I indulged in a little homemade onion bread and peanut butter bar, and I also fully met my quota for alcohol this week. But it was all worth it. And we walked there and back, so a little more movement to burn off a few more calories.

So even though I wasn't totally on target, I feel like we are motivated to keep moving foward. This morning I had the banana smoothie, though I threw in some frozen peaches for sweetness. I also had to use a little real milk and yogurt, as I was out of coconut milk. For lunch, I didn't have any leftovers, so I went off target a little more with a half cup of cottage cheese mixed with half a pear and some almonds.

But tonight is back on track with roasted chicken, even though I'll be tempted by garlic bread and manicotti at book club!!

Catching Up

Oh, the tuna was totally worth the wait, and I'm glad we paired it up with the potato side from what would have been the mussels dish. Instead of serving the tuna on mustard greens, we just threw together some baby kale and arugula, tossed it with some lemon juice, olive oil, salt, and pepper and called it good. Quite good, actually. For the potatoes I added Mr. Mustard as well as a little whole-grain mustard dressing (which is actually Mr. Mustard dressing). We grilled the tuna (as we have done for most of the meals), and it came out to perfection.

I was craving a glass of wine with dinner, but I knew that The Mr. wanted to do some light exercise and stretching after dinner, so I refrained. After the brief yoga session, which felt great, I indulged in a glass of wine, only to find that I really didn't want it. I know, weird, right?! Maybe I really am detoxing.

This morning I opted for eggs rather than more oatmeal, cereal, muesli. I repeated the omelet, but this time used one whole egg and one egg white. I filled it with a bit of smoked salmon and the red pepper relish. Fabulous!! I didn't even miss the usual cheese ... too much. We also put together a kiwi-grapefruit-apple juice, since we have a ton of fruit that is threatening to go off. All in all, deliciously healthy. Yeah, us!

We are on our second batch of red pepper relish and mustard dressing. As I've said, these may become new staples in our fridge.

On another note, it is dismal outside. Gray and windy and threatening rain, though the temps are creeping up past 50 degrees. Yes, we are the one place in the nation that seems not to be affected by the polar vortex. I'm glad we don't have last year's three weeks of below freezing gray ice, but a little snow would be nice. Anyway, I'm taking advantage of the gray day to try my hand at patching holes in jeans, updating QuickBooks, and perhaps learning how to make yogurt. I think half my relatives would read this last paragraph and wonder, "Who the heck is writing this??!!"

Crazy Daze

We are mostly following the menu but not on the correct days, and now I am all confused.

Just an overall note, first. I find that for the most part we are skipping many of the snacks, and we have very few of the desserts. We finished up the cocoa bark within the first week since we shared it with our guests two nights in a row. But The Mr. and I have both been completely satisfied with the meals, smaller portions and all, and we never really have a craving for much in between. Progress!

I am pretty sure that on Wednesday morning I had the banana almond smoothie. I made a scramble for The Mr. as his job these days is pretty labor intensive and a smoothie would have had him heading for the nearest to-go restaurant on the way to the demo house. The smoothie wasn't bad, though I may have to switch to almond milk, since my coconut milk isn't super flavorful. I'm also wondering if maybe the almond butter I used might have been a little off. But I will definitely make it again. So in addition to using coconut milk and old almond butter, I added in some almonds and maybe a date or two to provide a little extra sweetness.

I loved, loved, loved the leftover chicken salad with mangoes. Nuff said!

Now the meals start getting a little confusing. I couldn't find tuna at the market, so we cooked up Thursday night's dinner of roasted tofu with bulgur/cauliflower salad on Wednesday. The tofu was pretty tasty, though I'd probably cut back a bit on the salt next time. Actually, I might throw that extra salt into the salad, as it needed something to kick it up a notch. Maybe if I'd actually measured out the herbs instead of estimating that would have helped.

The next morning I repeated the muesli/parfait, but without the toasted coconut, as I was feeling a little lazy.

The leftover salad on Thursday was much better than the meal on its own the night before. I had mixed it all together right after dinner, so all the flavors sat together and melded, and the addition of the Asian pear (YUM) and the mustard dressing provided exactly what had been missing.

On a side note, I am loving the habit of making a dinner that serves four and immediately setting aside two servings for the next day's lunch. The Mr. has started a new venture, and he is out of the house everyday. So this way I can ensure that he's getting a filling, delicious lunch, and he doesn't feel the need to swing by a fast food place to get a quick fix for his hunger. I am hoping it's a habit I can maintain.

Before dinner last night, I threw together the avocado smoothie (with fresh orange juice rather than lime juice). Then  we walked down to Whole Foods (about a 3-mile loop) to find some albacore or mahi mahi. But once again, no luck. They had frozen filets, but nothing fresh. So instead we got lamb shanks. Yeah, I know ... Not exactly a lean protein, but the price was right. We also bought the frozen fish so it could defrost in time for another dinner. So last night was grilled lamb shank with the greenest tahini sauce. I also sauteed the mustard greens that were supposed to go with the fish. They aren't my favorite green, but maybe it's because I flavored it with the leftover chimichurri, and that made it a little bitter/tart. I quick roasted some carrots (instead of steaming) as well. Instead of eating an entire shank, The Mr. and I shared one and then split up the leftovers for lunch. Again, progress! [Confession: The Mr. was pretty starving by the time we got to W.F., so he indulged in a slice of pepperoni pizza. And I took a rather large bite. Ohhhh, cheese and pepperoni. So yummy!]

This morning was 10-grain cereal with dates, pomegranate seeds, and the pepita crunch. I topped it off with a splash of coconut milk. Not bad.

And tonight we can finally have the tuna, though with the sides for the mussels.

Falling Behind

Actually, only on the blogging. On the eating, I am rocking it.

Sunday night The Mr. got home from the game and proudly proclaimed that he drank water (while watching football?!? wow!), had only one sloppy joe, and some cheese and chips. Those are some monster baby steps for him. So proud. To reward him, I cooked up a small version of that night's dinner, since neither of us was super hungry.

In place of the mackerel, we broiled up one sockeye salmon fillet and shared it. I totally forgot to add the dill on top. I always forget the little garnishes. I once again added cauliflower to the roasted beets, which are rapidly becoming my favorite roast veggie of all time. I really liked the idea of adding roasted caraway seeds in with the almonds for the beets. Great contrast with the sweetness of the veggies.

I didn't realize that for the next morning's bfast I was supposed to let it all marinate overnight, so instead I did the parfait option. Another favorite is the use of dates and toasted coconut flakes for added sweetness. I doubt I'll ever need to add honey or maple syrup or brown sugar to oatmeal or yogurt again.

I wasn't super hungry by the time lunch rolled around, so I just had leftover beets and cauliflower tossed with some greens and one of the yummy dressings. Of course, that meant I was a little hungry by the time 4:00 rolled around, so I cooked up the recommended snack: hard-boiled eggs. Topping the egg with smoky paprika and smoked salt made it much more exciting than my usual egg with salt. Again, another idea to file away for future snacks.

Dinner wasn't bad. I undercooked the squash a bit, but the addition of balsamic vinegar and the red pepper relish hid a little of the bitterness. I loved the sauteed kale, but then I always love sauteed kale. It would have been even better with the greenest tahini sauce (once I again, I completely forgot about the garnish). The Mr. really enjoyed the lentil pilaf. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't my favorite. It needed a little something extra. Maybe if I'd remembered the cilantro that would have done the trick.

I actually read ahead and remembered to soak the oats and quinoa for the next day's quinoatmeal. Maybe one of my favorite breakfasts so far. The apples and nuts gave a nice flavor, but next time I'll be adding my new favorite: dates. I think that would take it to the next level. Lunch was average. In place of mustard greens, I used the leftover sauteed kale. The addition of the tahini sauce definitely helped.

I skipped the hard-boiled egg and instead split the rest of the leftover quinoatmeal with The Mr. as our late afternoon snack. He loved it as well, so double bonus!!

Dinner was delicious!! I had marinated the chicken all day, and the flavors really came together. We grilled it (or, that is to say, The Mr. braved the cold and grilled it), while I sauteed the bok choy and finished up the black rice. Again, more notes to remember: adding things like lemon grass and ginger to the rice while the water is boiling is a great way to add flavor, as is the addition of yet more toasted coconut at the end! Today's lunch should be just as tasty.

More Clean Eating ... Mostly

Yesterday's lunch required a little rethinking as The Mr. had eaten the leftover chicken from the night before. So I instead I went with Day 1's salad, which I had missed out on. I followed my friend Linda's lead in sauteeing the tofu. The idea of eating raw tofu did not sound appealing at all. The Sesame Miso dressing was quite tasty, although I had to make some alterations. I used an Anaheim chile instead of a red Fresno, I used yellow miso instead of white, and I only had seasoned rice wine vinegar. But I don't think any of that made a big difference.

The steak and potato dinner was delicious. We used a skirt steak that we seared on the grill. The Mr. cooked it perfectly. At the last minute we invited several friends over, so we expanded the meal. Of course, that meant that I wasn't as adherent to portion sizes as I should have been. I didn't add the hot sauce to the sweet potatoes because I wasn't sure our guests liked spicy food. But I did add a little Rooster Sauce to the chimichurri because it needed a little something. For the salad, we just used spring greens with a warmed salad dressing instead of heating up the escarole. I opted out of the dessert since we still had chocolate bark leftover. It just gets better tasting each day.

Thanks to having guests over, I hit my allotment of 4 drinks for the week, including the one glass of wine I had had the night before. But I poured small glasses, and red wine does have antioxidants after all!

This morning threw a wrench in things. We got a call from a friend we haven't seen in a while, inviting us over for breakfast. I knew I couldn't follow the meal as he was going to make a big scramble. But I did avoid the bread, and I kept all my portion sizes small. So although it was "off-cleanse," I feel good about my changing habits. I hope they stick. I did break down and have a small latte and a smoothie, both of which had dairy. It was kind of incredible how fast my sinuses started feeling all mucousy. So I'm back to the coconut milk.

The Mr. continued to eat the leftovers, making the "leftover" salad lunches a little challenging. Today I did a mish-mosh of things. A cabbage salad with sauteed tofu, a teeny bit of smoked salmon, toasted almonds, carrots, and the miso dressing. A quarter head of cabbage is a ridiculously large amount for one salad. But I ate it all, knowing that I will be hungry again in about an hour. I love all the salad dressings and will definitely plan to make batches to keep in the fridge even after the reboot if over.

The Mr. is off to watch the big game. I refrained as I'm not sure I'd be able to resist sloppy Joe's and alcohol. And I'm sure there will be chips! Oh ... chips ... so salty and tasty! Instead I will curl up with a glass of tea and get some rest.

A New Year's Cleanse

My friend and I have decided to do a cleanse to start off the new year. It was actually her idea. I have only done a cleanse once before ... a three-day juice cleanse that only worked because The Mr. was out of town. So I was a little leery of this idea. However, when she told me it was a Bon Appétit cleanse, I was seriously intrigued.

When I checked the recipes, I was sold.

It's not really a cleanse. It's more like a reboot. But after the gluttony of the holidays, which included four days straight of rich seafood dinners, as well as cheese, wine, bread, desserts, champagne, bloody marys, more cheese, more wine, and then some pork and brisket thrown in for good measure, a reboot is exactly what I need.

I won't list all the recipes here. You can find those at Bon Appétit or at my friend's beautiful website.

But for my own record, I want to keep track of how it's going, what I did, what I ate, what I did differently, or how I'm feeling.

I started about half a day late. We went out for breakfast on Day 1 while our car got a tune-up. Instead of healthy oatmeal, I split an order of eggs benedict with The Mr. Not exactly healthy, but at least we shared a dish for a change instead of each chowing down our own huge plate of food. Baby steps!

Afterward, we grabbed the rest of the ingredients from the B.A. shopping list so I could get going on the prep work. It took me all afternoon to put together the various delicious sauces and the chocolate bark (Chocolate bark? Really?! I told you this is my kind of cleanse!!). The upside of a day of cooking (other than the fact that I thoroughly enjoy it) is that I skipped lunch, other than the occasional taste. And after eggs benedict, skipping lunch wasn't such a bad idea.

That night we started in on the real thing with roasted veggies. My variations: (1) We had leftover couscous from a pre-Christmas dinner, along with some leftover lamb tajine gravy, so I mixed the two together in place of the red quinoa salad. I did add the toasted walnuts and sauteed shallots to the couscous. So delicious. (2) For the same dish, I couldn't find the sunchokes, so we added in roasted cauliflower.

Since we missed the oatmeal on Day 1, I decided to make that for Day 2's breakfast, in addition to the real Day 2 breakfast (smoked salmon and avocado on rye wasa crackers). My variations: (1) Instead of hemp seeds I used flax seeds, and I added the milk to the pot while cooking rather than after. I also added cinnamon for extra flavor and a dash of maple syrup for a little sweetness since we were using frozen blackberries instead of fresh. (2) I halved the cracker combo breakfast, since eating two full breakfasts seemed a little indulgent. The oatmeal was mediocre, but I loved the salmon/avocado crackers. I am just not sure if four of those would be a substantial breakfast for the Mr., as I had a hard time divvying up the allotted avocado and salmon between just two crackers. Maybe they thought we'd use smaller crackers?

Lunch was fabulous ... leftover couscous and veggies with tons of salad greens and the mustard dressing. And dinner was delicious. My variations: (1) For the mustard dressing, I didn't have walnut oil, so I replaced that with an orange-flavored olive oil. (2) For dinner, we couldn't find bone-in, skin-on chicken breasts (at least not organic ones) at Winco. So we got a whole chicken and grilled it. (3) At the last minute, we invited our friends to join us, so I also threw in an extra green salad with the mustard dressing and some of the cashew/sunflower/pepita mix. (4) I added some leftover anaheim chili in the white bean salad, which may be yet another favorite.

I did cheat with one glass of pinot noir, but I was able to keep it to just one glass. I rewarded myself with a piece of the aforementioned chocolate bark. Yum!

The test was that evening, when we went to Cosmic Bowling to celebrate a friend's 40th party. There was fried food, a delicious-looking cake, and plenty of beer. I refrained from the greasy food (which is usually my downfall), I had one small sip of beer and a teeny-tiny little bite of the chocolate cake. All in all, a pretty successful outing, albeit not completely guilt-free. I was still hungry when I got home, so I nibbled on a carrot and a couple pumpkin seeds. We were tempted to eat some ice cream or popcorn, but those small nibbles were enough to tide me over until I fell asleep. A lesson to remember when this is all over and we get those late-night hunger pangs.

This morning was lovely. I had my first latte in two days, but I used coconut milk instead of regular milk. I did grate a teeny bit of Mexican chocolate on top, but it's a small guilty pleasure. I even made a rather tasty two-egg omelet (no cheese!? the horror!!) topped with roasted pepper relish. The only variation is that I used an orange and yellow pepper in the relish rather than red. All in all a ridiculously easy, delicious breakfast. I will be making that one again for sure.

I am so looking forward to tonight's dinner! Steak and potatoes?! Have I mentioned ... I love this cleanse!?

Kai

I've been putting this off for three months now. (Procrastination? Who me? Oh, what a surprise.)

I can't believe it's been three months, almost to the day.

Exactly three months ago tonight, we were having one of the best pre-wakes a dog has ever had. Many of Kai's friends stopped by to give him a hug, feed him a treat, sit by him with love, and just smile with him. He was ecstatic.

What a long way he had come.

When we first got Kai, he was completely distrustful of anyone and everyone, even us. He jumped a 6-foot fence two days after getting fixed, just to get away from us. But he didn't run too far, and maybe he'd already learned to like us enough that he wasn't too unwilling to come home with us. Or maybe it was the food we were bribing him with.

That was the day we started to learn that he really didn't like being alone. Even though he was scared of us, he was more scared of being alone, where loud noises could occur at any time and make him practically jump out of his skin. So we brought him inside and sat with him and pet him and cooed at him and did all the things we never thought we'd do for a dog, just to get him to love us ... or at least to trust us.

But he wasn't just a dog, was he? As many new pet owners before and since have learned, those four-legged beasts become a part of the family as soon as we set eyes on them. And they become embedded in our heart faster than seems possible. Mark and I knew Kai was "ours" from the first second we met him. It just took him a while to figure out that we were completely his. But not too long of a while.

In fact, in just a month, Kai was going on walks with us off leash, playing "whack-a-gopher" in the fields, chasing ducks down the creek, and prancing along the trails as if he were born to it. Which he was, actually. He had just had the bad luck of having that natural exuberance frightened, and perhaps beaten, out of him for his first 18 months of life.

But for his next 10.5 years of life, he grew back into his natural state. Sure, he was still petrified of loud sounds -- fireworks, cars bottoming out on the road, thunder, a knife whacking a little too hard on the cutting board. And he still barked at strangers. But he was no vicious attack dog (unless you happened to be the poor Fed Ex guy ... sorry about your pants, sir). And all he wanted was love and attention and as much food as we were willing to dole out to him.

Our friends who knew him so well in Colorado wouldn't have recognized the social pooch he had become here in Boise. He no longer hid upstairs in a corner when we had friends over. In fact, he usually sat himself on his bed right next to the table, reveling (as much as Kai could revel) in the good times .... and in any food that "dropped" his way.

And that's why his last few days on this Earth were just so right (or as right as they could be). He was surrounded by love and food and friends and laughter and more food ... right until his last peaceful breath.

We miss you, Kai. We miss your scaredy-cat-ness. We miss your hunting of night creatures in the yard. We miss your abhorrence of cuddling with us (unless we were on a road trip). We miss having you chase after us on our cruisers. We miss the sound of your nails on the floor. We miss your many episodes of "squeak-i-cide." We miss you chasing planes across the backyard. We miss you jumping up on us when we walk in the door. We miss your fascination with the pond. We miss feeding you the tops of green peppers and tomatoes when we cook. We miss watching you "hunt grass" on the river bank. We miss having you on our road trips. We miss your love of the indestructible squeaky toy. We miss how rockin' you looked in your winter raincoat.

We miss your handsome face.

Rest in peace, Kai-Bo-Licious! I will see you in my dreams!

I was just sitting here, working on a public policy edit, listening to iTunes, essentially minding my own business, when Kris Delmhorst's song Sea Fever came through my ear buds. I've always liked the song, ever since hearing in an NPR interview about how she took poems and set them to music. But I'd never paid full attention to the lyrics of this song, until today.

I looked up the original poem by John Masefield and hummed along to Delmhorst's haunting voice, and before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face. I realized that as I listened, I was composing a eulogy for my dad in my head.

My dad who is very much alive and kicking.

Sorry, Dad. I don't mean to kick you off this mortal coil before your time!

Apparently I have a seriously morbid twist in my brain. It reminds of when I first heard Death Cab for Cutie's I Will Follow You Into the Dark. After bawling my eyes out in the car, I decided that song should be played in honor of Mark and me when we die. (In this morbid fantasy, I guess Mark and I perish together ... I hope at least it is while doing something exciting and fun.)

Is this a normal thing for people to do? To envision their funerals or the funerals of those they love? I don't know. It is sad to think about, but also weirdly therapeutic, or at least for me. A good cry over something that is inevitable but not happening right now (as opposed to a big cry over something devastating as it is happening) seems to clean out the works for me. Kind of like purging or the toxins that are supposedly released during yoga or something. I don't dwell on these thoughts all day, every day. They just pop into my head, usually prompted by music or literature or art or even a beautiful scene. Maybe it's just the reminder of life's brevity, how we really are a blip in this universe. It makes me sad but also makes me appreciate all we have ... all that I have.

In any case, I haven't written in ages. Maybe it's the change in weather. It's a gray, chilly day here in Boise. Or maybe I'm just really not interested in editing that policy paper right now and am taking any chance I can get to procrastinate (see: stopping work to look up lyrics to a song). But it feels good to write again, even if it is just today.

Sea Fever

By John Masefield 

I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,

And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by;

And the wheel’s kick and the wind’s song and the white sail’s shaking,

And a grey mist on the sea’s face, and a grey dawn breaking,

 

I must go down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide

Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;

And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,

And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.

 

I must go down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life,

To the gull’s way and the whale’s way where the wind’s like a whetted knife;

And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover,

And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick’s over.

Catching Up

A friend came into town this past weekend, and all the happy hours, wine tastings, eating, and laughing, not to mention an incredibly luxuriously relaxing Sunday, got in the way of posting photos. But I did carry my trusty camera and phone with me, and I did my best to remember some of the themes of the day while out and about. Let's see how I did.

March 11--Someone You Talked to Today: I have no idea who I talked to on the 11th, but I did talk to these two lovely (albeit underexposed) people on Friday night. So that will have to suffice.


March 12--Fork: My goal had been to capture a sign of the restaurant in town named Fork, thus killing two birds with one stone, but we never made it that far on Friday. By the time I remembered the theme, I had already polished off my ricotta-stuffed mushrooms, some sea salt flatbread, and several meatballs. Yum! This was all that remained.


March 13--A Sign: A couple signs seen on the walk back to the car after a lovely happy hour at Flatbread Pizza in downtown Boise.


March 15--Car: This guy was in front of me yesterday on the drive home from the airport. I have no idea what he has against gyros. I think they are a very tasty treat. In fact, last night, this license plate must have been lingering in the corners of my mind, as I decided to order up a bunch of Mediterranean food from Mazzah's for our book club. Yum, gyro meat. Or maybe he doesn't like gyroscopes? I don't know. It's a puzzle.


March 16--Sunglasses: It's time to feature another gorgeous niece, doing her best Vogue in my monster Smith sunglasses. (My camera phone does not have a flash, obviously.)


March 17--Green: On St. Patty's Day, I headed out to the local co-op to gather up the ingredients for our wine-tasting tailgate party at Indian Creek Winery. As I walked back to my car, a bagpipe piped up from around the corner. And there was a guy in a kilt (yes, I know, kilts are Scottish, and not Irish ... as are bagpipes, technically), serenading the parking lot. I know a lot of people aren't fans of bagpipes, but I think they are so eerily cool (when played well).


Wow, I am ALMOST caught up with the month.

Whoopsie!

Yesterday, in searching for the next five photo-of-the-day topics, I actually decided to sit down and read the rules. Apparently, this photo-of-the-day thing requires carrying your camera/phone around and taking pictures of the day's theme on that day. Go figure. I have been seriously cheating.

So yesterday, I started taking pictures in the actual moment. This is going to be much harder, as this now requires me to think about the theme while I'm out and about, remember to have something to carry a device to capture that theme, and then, the hardest part, get home and get it from my camera/phone and onto my computer. For many people, this is easy. But I have an Android and a Mac, and the two do not always play nicely together.

Yesterday was not the 14th, but I thought it was, just like today I think it is the 15th. I'm also having serious trouble remembering whether it is 2012 or 2013. Really. I think all the talk last year about 2012 being the end of days made me think that 2012 already happened. Anyway, none of that is important ... well, is any of this important, actually? So, I went out and took a picture of clouds, because that was the theme for the 14th, which is what I thought yesterday was.

Confused yet?


I love my retro camera app almost as much as I love my nieces. It makes photos look so cool.

Two Days in a Row

It's a record!

Of course, I do much better when I have a theme or something to deal with than when I am just sitting down to blab. I present for your viewing pleasure, today's pictures.

March 6--5 PM: I know for a fact that it wasn't 5 p.m. when I took this picture. But if ever there was a happy Happy Hour shot, this would be it. (Yes, obviously, in my mind, 5 PM could only be referring to happy hour. Is that so wrong?) This was taken during our trip to Portugal, and it was such a wonderful day, even if we did end up walking 8 km (in flipflops), with a blacktop road on one side and cliffs dropping down to the ocean on the other, in search of a beach that we could actually reach. (p.s. We did succeed, and then took the bus back.)


March 7--Something You Wore: I wore this dress on a rather special occasion. But it's the little cape I love. We got married in January at Chief Hosa Lodge, just outside of Denver. It was a gray, stormy day, but I was determined to have our photos taken outside. My mom, clever woman that she is, knew that a sleeveless dress in January might require a little something extra. So she made this satiny, fleece-lined, fur-trimmed cape, which I absolutely love. I just wish I could find a reason to wear it again.


March 8--Window: The Sentry Dog at his post on our bed. It's just the right height for him to look out onto the street so he can see what's going on in the world (and then bark at whatever is going on in the world). What a good little watchdog. (p.s. Please ignore the unmade bed, cluttered chest of drawers, and dirty laundry on the floor.)


March 9--Red: Double Jeopardy!! Shot #1--This tree was one of the few things I liked about living in Dallas. It wasn't my favorite place to live (at all), but staring at this spectacular autumn tree from my office made it a little more bearable. Shot#2--A Sydney sunrise, as seen from The In-Laws' deck. Talk about spectacular!


March 10--Loud: I don't know if she is even making a sound, but Little Miss Ella Road Rage here looks like she has something to say. Have I mentioned how much I miss my nieces?